Don’t Let Work Eat Your Soul

I have so much to write and don’t know where to start.

So, how’s it going?

Life is… Exciting. Boring. Different. Chaotic. Calm. Weird. All of it rolled into one.

Which is normal, I suppose.

What’s my favorite part of the day?

Coming home.

Believe it or not, I actually love being home. I used to say that I could never be a housewife. Now, I think I could definitely be a housewife. I’ve gotten used to staying at home due to the pandemic and I like it. I like the responsibility that comes along with it as well. The house is my domain. I get to set it up however I like and it gets to stay as clean as I like. I’m a bit of a clean freak when it comes to my house. (My car, for those who used to know me, was a different story...)

Luckily for me, Koray has given me the choice. He said I can work if I want or I can stay home if I want. Are we wealthy enough to be able to do that? No. I wouldn’t say wealthy. But we’re not struggling either. If I stopped working, we wouldn’t be able to live as nicely as we are now and the savings for the things we want (like a car) would slow, but it wouldn’t kill our life altogether.

Luckily for him, I’m not planning to stop working completely. I am going to keep going with the Cambly online teaching work. I have a pretty good following on there and some students have branched out privately. With Cambly I can structure my schedule accordingly, and if I make $150-$200 a week (15 - 20 hours of work a week) it's MORE than enough.

Becoming a housewife.

Koray and I have talked about this a lot. I finally feel comfortable enough to be able to have kids. I realize now that that is what was holding me back before. I wanted to be a career person. I wanted to have money. I wanted… success. But how is success truly measured? In free time, in non-anxiety, in less stress, in spending quality time with your family. Koray is family now, so I have to prioritize us and our wishes. It was a hard shell to break out of.

For example, I have my contract with the other English teaching job. But… besides my boss who is super nice and the people who I work with who I love talking to … my work drives me insane. And not like the crazy stressed insane of one busy day, that goes away after a weekend. No, this is the slow, drawn-out, slipping into a mental asylum type of insane.

When I worked for my former international travel company

I liked organization

I liked lists

I liked control

I liked having goals that I myself am responsible for achieving

I liked the structure and rules

That job was stressful but it was stress in a controlled environment. When you left work, your work was done. Thank god! Maybe that’s why I was so good at serving and bartending, also. Stress but in a controlled environment.

As an English teacher in Turkey, it never stops. There’s no structure, students talk-back, students cancel, students don’t want to learn the lesson plan, students think that they’re a sponge and just because you’re a native speaker teaching them, that they don’t need to study because it will automatically dissolve into their brain. I want to shake these students.

And at the end of the day, if they perform well or bad it reflects on me. As an anxious empath <<we’ll come back to this>> this kills me. Each lesson takes physical energy from me, and when I don’t see the reward from that and when I realize the students aren’t learning or don’t want to put in as much effort as I am giving out, then why bother?

So back again to being a housewife.

I like cooking.

I mean I really find joy in it. I create something and if my finished product isn’t complete crap and people like it, I feel PROUD. And I like that feeling. So then I want to keep doing it again and again. I like researching videos for new meals, trying out new recipes, finding the ingredients. Koray likes being my guinea pig too, especially for the desserts.

And from my hospitality days, I LOVE entertaining people. I love cleaning the house, and creating side dishes and breakfast, and dinners, and having people come over, and serving them.

I also love relaxing. Which you’re going to be like “Okay, who doesn’t Sam?” 😂

Yeah, I know. Except, I haven’t been able to find that balance in my life yet.

Back to the anxiety.

I have severe anxiety.

The kind that SHOULD be medicated. But isn’t. Crippling, panic attack anxiety --- especially when it isn’t managed properly. “But Sam, you’ve always been so calm in super stressful situations?” Yeah. That’s because I plan for every situation. Every. single. situation.

Everything in both of these pictures is me. Exactly. It couldn’t be more accurate.

In some cases, anxiety can be seen as a strength. I have planned so much, for so many different situations, that it is very hard to catch me

1) late

2) off-guard

3) in an unexpected situation

And I like these things about me. Which is WHY I don’t like medication.

I tried anti-anxiety medication in the past. My first experience going to a doctor wasn't a positive one though. After greeting me for less than two minutes, the doctor, who looked like she was strung out on drugs herself, told me I was depressed. But I wasn’t depressed then. And don't worry, I’m definitely not depressed now. I love being positive, and I love looking on the bright side. I just needed something to handle the panic when it happened. After it passed, I would be fine again. She prescribed me something that made me not care. About anything. Zero fucks. Running late. Didn’t care. Life crumbling around me. Didn’t care. No Money. Didn’t care. And I didn't need that mindset either. Because I enjoy being at least “somewhat” put-together. And I recognize that at least some of that is dependent on embracing at least a little bit of my anxiety.

So what have I realized this time in Turkey? The best way to handle your anxiety but without medication is to change your lifestyle so that your life is inherently calm. Stop the overthinking, stop the overplanning.

So, what's the plan? What's your point, Sam?

I like reading. I like writing. I like cooking. I like staying home. I like cleaning, and I like having control over my house. And I don’t want anyone to bring up my kids instead of myself. No leaving the kids at Grandma’s house. No nanny. I want to do it myself. I want to spend the time with them, I want to spend the time with Koray. Because at the end of the day, these times are what’s important.

“But Sam, won’t you feel unfulfilled? You have so much more potential.” Someone actually said this to me. My answer is:

When I was trying to live up to my potential is when I was the most stressed. The most misdirected. The most unhappy. And maybe that’s what the capitalist lifestyle wants. They want you to try to keep up with the Joneses. Well, I’m not keeping up. I’m not even going to try. I want to be calm. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. And not by a company. I don’t have to be rich. I can be comfortable and still be happy. And that is exactly what I am right now. Not rich. Not struggling. Not striving for anything. Comfortable. Happy. Content.

And also, I would like to stress the importance of not drinking coffee.

And NOT drinking alcohol. And exercising. And eating healthily. I cannot stress this enough. I feel like I was one of those people who was pushing the limits. Alcohol causes anxiety. I don't know how or why, but it does. I am so so so glad I’ve stopped drinking.

But also, the food here is so so so much better than in the U.S. How do I know?

For my engagement, my mom brought some things from home.

Sidebar: The thing I missed the most. Flamin’ Hots. Yup. Super missed them. You can’t find chips that hot here. I don’t know why, because they definitely have hot peppers that hot. But they don’t put them in chips. And they’re missing out!

Anyways, my Mom brought some Velvetta cheese. And I was super excited to put it into one of the scrambled eggs breakfasts that we have here.

First, you melt the butter.

Then, you put in the cheese.

And Turkish cheese generally melts slowly. How you would imagine cheese to melt, I suppose.

This Velvetta cheese… started to bubble??? Like it was boiling. And I was like “THAT'S WHAT PRESERVATIVES LOOK LIKE!”

So this is your warning. Don’t buy cheap cheese. Even if it is really good.

How else do I know our food here is better?

(Besides, the Sunday markets, which are all straight from farm to table and affordable)

My father usually suffers from gout. And there are certain foods that he needs to stay away from. The whole time that he was here for our engagement, he didn’t have any reactions to any of the foods. And we ate well.

Lastly, how’s my Turkish coming?

Well. I’ve simultaneously employed the best and the worst method of learning. It’s similar to the method that children use when they are learning from their parents. You learn from living, listening, and repeating but without doing any actual studying.

The pros

• I can understand a ton!

• Words come to me from nowhere. Meaning, I’ve heard them enough times, that I know the proper context in which to use them, even if I’ve never studied them formally.

• I have learned a lot of slang

• I can understand “fast” Turkish. Meaning, the rate which native speakers use while speaking to each other. Normally, if you learn from a book, the teachers aren’t speaking that fast. Or they adjust what they are saying so that the students can respond. Regular people in the real world usually don't do this.

The cons

• My writing is suffering. I can say things, but I can’t necessarily write them. However, much like a child - I can sound out words much better.

• I’m stuck at a level. With this method, you get stuck using the words people use only in daily life. If you’ve ever done linguistic studies, then you know that usually, people use the same 1,000 words every day. So I’m not progressing as fast as I would like.

The KEY to learning a language isn’t necessarily speaking. I would give speaking a large percent, but I would honestly say that READING is more important. Why? Reading gives you proper grammar structure, more vocabulary. It’s harder, yes, but it’s more beneficial more quickly.

Anyways, I’m to the point where I can understand Koray's family, friends and immerse myself in daily life. Which is enough for the moment.

So that’s all I got for now.

You guys are going to be like “Wait! What about the engagement! How did he do it?” That part is coming next. I have to figure out how to say everything that happened and explain the next steps.